[00:00:00] Kc Rossi: Hello. And welcome. Welcome back to the show. Today, we are going to be talking about people-pleasing, and this is such a big subject. We're only going to get to a few layers today, but I have a feeling that I'm going to be doing more on this topic because it is so valuable and juicy. So at first, when you hear the term, people-pleasing, a couple of things may be running through your mind.
[00:00:59] [00:01:00] You may have a positive attitude about hearing that and think of altruistic people in your life who put others needs before their own, or you may be thinking that's, it's even an admirable personality trait of your own being kind and considerate of others. Or you may be immediately having this negative connotation.
[00:01:20] When you hear the phrase people pleaser, it may be bringing up times when you've been pushed past your limits. Said yes. When you've really meant, no. And have even experienced excessive stress or burnout from repeatedly putting everyone before yourself, both definitions are correct. Like with most things in life, there are two sides to the coin.
[00:01:45] A positive in balance side and a negative or out of balance side. One is identity strengthening and the other erodes your pure soul essence. I'd like to dive into what it [00:02:00] looks like when this tendency isn't serving us or even worse when it starts to whittle down our authentic identity. As with most imbalances, the root of this issue stems back to our early years, there could be trauma in our experience or a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness.
[00:02:22] And for me being a child of divorce, I adopted the role of peacemaker very early on, which easily escalated into a people pleaser as I matured. You can really see how that bridge is just very logical. And at first, when you are focused on making others happy, it feels awesome. Everyone has a sense of feeling better, seeing an improvement by your presence or your givingness.
[00:02:52] And there's a bit of a high or charge when you exceed expectations and become relied [00:03:00] on or needed. But when this starts to become an issue is when you stop. Or maybe you never even had the consciousness or modeling to think about your needs, let alone prioritize them. Right. It is something that can happen very subtly and it's like little bends and compromises that you make to not rock the boat, being super agreeable without taking a moment to tune into your feelings.
[00:03:31] I want you to just pause and take a minute and do a little mini visualization with me and think of yourself as a beautiful marble statue. In it's pure, pristine nature. It's full, complete majestic and stately. And then with each act that comes from a place of low self-esteem the need to be liked over delivering to validate your worthiness.
[00:03:58] And overextension [00:04:00] to the point of exhaustion, a little knick occurs in that overall makeup. And then in time, these knicks start to erode your personality blueprint. It starts to weaken your sense of self and sacrifice your health. And it honestly, it may take years before you realize. That paying attention to family, friends, and client needs first and coming last isn't normal or healthy.
[00:04:30] And it may take getting to the point of bubbling up with resentment. If it seems like everyone in your life are takers and no one's understanding or recognizing when you need something. So they're failing to see like when you're actually the one in need. And I knew this was something that I needed to address when I started experiencing repetitive negative patterns.
[00:04:56] And it looked like saying yes to whatever was asked of me. [00:05:00] Working seven days a week, including nights and weekends to perform and moreover to beat deadlines and also overextending. And this caused stress, adrenal fatigue, and burnout, which ultimately led to resentment and not feeling appreciated. I mean, even saying that, I feel like there is so much to unpack there.
[00:05:24] Perhaps you can relate to part or all of that scenario that I just shared. It's not a fun place to be. And it's certainly not a sustainable or joy-filled life. I also want to say that if you're nodding your head and you are currently seeing signs of being a people, pleasing person, that you are in the exact right place, there is no greater time than right now.
[00:05:48] To take that awareness and carve out a new path that serves you. So stick around and listen to ways to start shifting so that you can strengthen your authentic identity and start [00:06:00] experiencing less stress right away. Doesn't it sound great. It's possible. So I can't wait to dive in. So one of the things too, I want to do like a little side note here, because I want to mention that our personality types.
[00:06:14] Also contributes to our tendencies, which are rooted in our desires and our motivations. Perhaps you've heard of the Enneagram personality test. And honestly, most likely if you're listening to this podcast, you probably already know what your numbers are. You know what your number is, what your type is. I want to say that Enneagram types, two, three, and four.
[00:06:38] These are the heart-centered feeling people again sounds so lovely. And when in balance it absolutely is. However, when leaning to an extreme also called disintegration, these types, the twos, threes, and fours can easily fall into people pleasing and can [00:07:00] attach their self-worth into how helpful or validated they are by others.
[00:07:08] Now, if this tie-in is extra interesting to you, I highly recommend this sleeping at last podcast. It is one of the most unique and incredibly accurate resources I've come across when it comes to the Enneagram types. I'll pop the link to Ryan O'Neal show in the notes. I think you're going to love how he incorporates scores of music and lyrics.
[00:07:31] So magically with the personality traits of each and every Enneagram type. In fact, I can not listen to the type two without shedding tears. It's that powerful. So I am a type two on the Enneagram types. And that is known as the helper or the altruist. And we are known to be warm and filled up by serving others and our communities.
[00:07:56] We get satisfaction by pleasing others, and you [00:08:00] can see how having this personality type in particular can easily fall into the trap of people pleasing, to feel loved and accepted, or even fall into being a rescuer or a martyr. When we're working on personal development and optimizing our lives, pulling back, the layers allows us to shine a light on what needs work.
[00:08:21] We are all works in progress, which is a beautiful thing, even if we're in the messy middle. So with that being said, you know, now, or are reminded of the signs of being a people pleaser, what can you do about it? The first step is to turn within. Be curious about how you feel, take a moment to slow down and acknowledge your breathing, how your body feels, what emotions come up for you.
[00:08:50] And this may sound super simple, but oftentimes, especially as people pleasers, we don't pause for a moment. We are high achieving an eager to [00:09:00] take action on what we see needs to be done around us. And for who, right. We're very, very in tune with other people's needs. So we rarely pause for ourself. This act of prioritizing a personal check-in.
[00:09:18] It may even bring up emotions that you didn't even know were under the surface, literally crying to get out. This is often because no one. Including ourselves often ask if we're okay or need anything because it's common to look like we have it all together, making sure that everyone around us is okay. So I really invite you to give yourself permission to feel and release if this is the case.
[00:09:48] It's your time to tune in and let your feelings bubble up. Be thankful for the time that you're giving yourself to check in. This is a valuable daily practice to get into the habit [00:10:00] of ask yourself, what do I need. I recommend filling up your cup first, before you even start the day, baking in a self care morning routine is especially helpful for people-pleasers.
[00:10:13] This allows them to be aware of their needs before spilling out all of their energy, fulfilling everyone else's. Now this does not mean that you're going to turn your back on your natural tendency nor become a cold-hearted selfish individual. Quite on the contrary, this is about how you can be a balanced heart-centered giver who shares from a pure kind and grounded foundation.
[00:10:42] This is about awareness self-recognition and balance. It's about using your voice to communicate your truth. It's about taking a stand for what you believe in, even if it's contrary to popular belief. And being okay if it ruffles [00:11:00] feathers, because we cannot strengthen our authentic identities. If we water down our honest opinions, I'm going to say that again, because I know that there is a lot.
[00:11:12] Of information swirling outside right now, globally. And with the news and a lot of charged political topics, I've been shocked to even see some of my very close friends who I felt we were on the same page, have some very interesting resistance when it comes to these really strong topics. So I want to say this again.
[00:11:36] We cannot strengthen our authentic identities. If we water down our honest opinions, living like that, communicating like that doesn't serve you. And in the long run, it doesn't serve the people around you either. I want you to know and really put your big listening ears on right now that [00:12:00] you are worthy of love what you do for people isn't tied to yourself worth expressing your needs.
[00:12:08] Isn't selfish and neither is self care. And at the base of people, pleasing is the desire to be loved and the sure fire way to start aligning to a healthy version of this is to begin with self-love. And from that place, shine out to the world until next time my friend breathe joy.
